is nothing more precious to me than my family and friends. This page is
my attempt to share my world with you and give insight to intimate
emotions involved with a BDSM family. In addition to my thoughts, I have
included comments from some family members themselves, in their own
Anyone who tells you that this is not a LOT of work...
either didn't understand the question or plans to have
a good laugh at your expense later.
I had a glorious plan. I was going to get out meet
people, find the right submissive, collar him, none of this would impact
my every day life, and everyone was going to live happily ever after.
That was the plan at least. At that point in time I had a domestic
partner who had no interest in the lifestyle and was perfectly content
to have me explore those "perverted" interests outside of our domestic
partnership. I had learned after trying to "enlighten" other partners
that this was probably a win-win situation. This was the first step in
the poly family that eventually formed.
Someone suggested to me that I put an ad on the local
Alternative newspaper. Not knowing any better, it seemed like a good
idea. I placed an ad saying that I was looking for an intelligent,
strong male submissive who was service oriented and looking for a long
term commitment. It would never have occurred to me that being an
"exotic" Black Domme who was not a Professional Dominatrix (read:
Domination without tributes) would illicit mailbox exploding responses.
I was not prepared for the level of response. I was not prepared for the
scope and variation in submissives and slaves. I had only a limited
skill set for scene negotiation. And, most disturbing, I had not fully
defined myself and my limits as a Dominant in my own mind. 50 phone
interviews, 12 public meetings, 2 play sessions later -- the field had
wound down to 1. S/he was a 6'2 cross-dressing sissymaid who enjoyed
heavy play, severe CBT, and cuttings. None of which had been on my wish
list. But there was something about stephanie which stole my heart.
My domestic partner quickly adjusted to my sissymaid.
As a matter of fact after stephanie left my service my partner has been
nagging me to find and train another one. Stephanie was usually at the
house at least twice a week, helping with chores, gardening, decorating
the house for holidays, etc. I was quite impressed with how well s/he
fit into the household. At one point my daughter asked if she could
borrow stephanie to clean her boyfriend's apartment. I could hear her
boyfriend's skepticism over the phone initially, but then he agreed this
might not be a bad idea. I remember asking my daughter is she really
felt it was necessary to out her mother to her friends, and her response
was something like, you haven't seen this apartment. She obviously
missed the point.
The only argument I had with my partner over my
sissymaid was when we were having an open house. He didn't seem to
understand why stephanie could not dress up and serve as a maid for the
party. He had become so used to setphanie he had lost track of the
vanilla world. He didn't feel it was fair to force stephanie out of
his/her labor of love. I had to carefully explain to him that putting
the guests in an uncomfortable position was not consensual for them.
Also, many of the guests have not be exposed to Alternative Lifestyles
and may not react well, which is a serious consideration with his family
and co-workers invited. Grudgingly, he eventually agreed.
These situations and the reactions of my daughter and
my partner were not part of the original plan. But this was only the
first chapter in the lessons to come.
I once had this mis-guided belief that life of the
Dominant was one where the submissives and slaves were doing all the
work. What a wonderful fantasy. Lifestyle relationships are the
hardest work I have every done. Not only do you have all of the work
of any other relationship, but in BDSM relationship there is an even
greater need for effective communication, attention to detail and
safety, more responsibility for the care and well being of a submissive,
and, then there is scene play. Suddenly I was being relied upon to be a
structural engineer in designing a play space, a medic in case a scene
goes bad, a therapist who can work through all the emotional baggage we
all bring to the lifestyle, AND, an expert with dozens of
implements, canes, floggers, and activities. Did I mention the part about
lacing corsets and other eye candy? The good news is that my partner
loves Home Depot as much as the kinky folks do and found my proclivities
to be a good excuse to buy some of the tools he had been wanting. He
also gave me my first aid kit as a dungeon warming present.
Again, none of this was in the original plan.
I remember the night I told my partner that I had
decided to collar another submissive. I think he was expecting me to
announce that it would be stephanie or siobhan because he looked at me
in total disbelief when I told him it was lynn. Don't get me wrong, he
liked lynn but thought the relationship was far too frustrating for me
to consider a long term commitment. Lynn and I were engaged in a
constant struggle of wills and frequent emotional clashes. It was my
belief that lynn was searching for his place in the world. He had a
strong need to belong and even stronger fear of abandonment. I decided
to take a chance on my gut feeling that in the right environment, he
would be a loyal and dutiful submissive. This is one of those rare cases
when I followed my instincts and they proved correct.
Joining the Family
On Saturday, April 29, 2000, a collaring ceremony
took place between Lady Cocoa
and Lynn at the Galleria
Domain. We cordially invited our friends within and outside of the
community to join for the formalization of our commitment to the D/s
lifestyle. One year later, on the anniversary of the collaring, lynn
accepted a permanent mark signifying the lifelong commitment between
slave and Mistress.
Lynn's journey through BDSM
I have been kinky as long as I can remember; I was definitely having kinky
fantasies before puberty. Like most of us, I thought for a long time
that I was the only
one and was weird. I still remember my excitement when I was 18 and
saw the bondage
section of an adult bookstore for the first time. I though, "If
there are enough people
like me to support not one, but several bondage magazines, maybe I'm not
But I still seemed alone. These bondage people were in New York or
California, and I was in
Detroit. Nobody I knew was kinky, and attempts to gently bring up
the subject with girls I
knew were not well received.
I moved to Chicago about 15 years ago. I discovered the BDSM scene
here and hung out
on its fringes, joining Chicagoland Discussion Group and Club House of Whacks. I would go to
meetings and the occasional
play party, but somehow I never clicked with the people there; I always
felt like an outsider.
A little over a year ago, I found out about a new club called Galleria
Domain that was opening soon.
I found Galleria Domain to be very friendly, and I made it my home, coming out every
weekend, giving rope demos, tying people up whenever I got a chance.
Eventually I became so involved with the workings of the club that I was
asked to join the board.
Late 1998, Lady Cocoa appeared at the club. I immediately took
notice of her, but didn't get
a chance to talk to her till several weeks later. It turned out that she
had noticed me too, and
after a comedy of errors, where it seemed like everything and everybody
were conspiring to keep
us from getting a chance to talk, we were finally able to. We
discovered that we had much in common, our values and ethics, our family
backgrounds, even our job experiences. And we discovered that both
shared a love for rope bondage and the sensual side of BDSM.
We knew we needed to be together, but getting there was a struggle.
She is a Domme, and I consider myself a switch. At first we were
constantly getting confused about who was domming whom, and were getting
our messages confused, and it was wrecking our relationship.
Eventually, Lady Cocoa offered me her collar. This would demonstrate
our commitment to each other, and would let everyone else know that we
were a team. I balked at first, mostly because I didn't really
understand Dominance and submission; my Dom side was really more of a Top
and I really didn't understand the difference.
Lady Cocoa patiently allayed all my fears and confusion, and convinced me
of how fulfilling submitting to her could be. We are
perfect together, and I am having the time of my life.
Lynn has been a very cherished part of my life, and also
the life of my family. My parents and my daughter consider him a part of
our family -- and introduce him to others as such. He is so much a part
of my everyday life that would appear that my "family" is
often more sensitive
to his needs than mine. (Yet another thing I didn't plan for.) Examples
being my daughter being upset that she didn't get to spend any time with
lynn during one of her visits, my partner wanting us to spend time with
lynn when I am planning to spend time alone, or lynn being more
sympathetic to my partner's point of view than mine. None of these are
things I foresaw in the over all scheme of things.
My parents have never asked what my relationship is with
lynn. They just accept that sometimes when I visit he is with me,
sometimes my partner is with me, and sometimes they are both with me.
And, each year at Christmas, there is a gift under the tree for him.
You may have met tommy at Ohio Leather Fest in 2002 (he was the
taller of the 2 male submissives with me). What is unique about this
arrangement is that tommy is married and has a family. From the point in
time that I met tommy, I have had numerous conversations with he and his
wife concerning the lifestyle. Joy is a very vanilla person who does not
understand the motivation or seduction of power exchange, or sensation
play. She is, however, scene friendly enough to ask a lot of questions
and maintain an open dialog with me about the lifestyle as well a myriad
of other things. We both understand that I do not represent a threat to
her marriage, and have formed a rather unusual friendship over the
I call her M'lady
Cocoa. My name is tommy. I have been fascinated with the
whole realm of BDSM for over 20 years (possibly giving my age away here),
it intrigues me. I have had only a small dose of r/l experience, which is
why I look to the internet for more.
My travels of the net, somehow, someway, brought me to Dark
Caverns, Lady Cocoa's domain. How I
happened across this site is hard to say...I was drawn to it...not being
able to get in at first...but I kept coming back....trying again....until
my persistence paid off. It has been 4 years since my first visit to Dark
Caverns, and I have relished every minute. M'lady Cocoa took me
in...gave me what I so longed for, what I needed.
A very wonderful relationship transpired. She made me hers with her very
personal collar, which I proudly wear and cherish. I give myself totally
to her, to serve her in whatever way she sees fit. Whether it is to kneel
at her feet or comfort her...whatever she may need .. I am there for
her...as she is always been there for me...which is what BDSM is to
me....to give oneself completely to another........*smiles proudly*
Many times mature Dominants are very hesitant to take on younger submissives.
When I met rob he was 23. There is a special innocence about him. When I
met him he was quite discouraged because none of the previous Mistresses
he had hoped to grow close to had worked out. His age was working
against in finding someone who would accept him and also the fact that
he lives outside of the US. I must admit my first phone bill to the
Netherlands was quite a shock!
I remember the incredible anticipation when we were
awaiting his arrival at the airport. He was the first of my submissives
that I introduced to my partner. We didn't now what to expect ... or how
this would all work out.
Rob speaks from across the ocean
I am rob
am a man from Holland, 27 years old and single. Work as a support Engineer
at a computer company.
I met Mistress after coming on the net trough a friend of mine. That
friend was interested in BDSM and was chatting with people about this. At first I
run in to a lot of trouble in various places, then I got to know Mistress Cocoa.
Mistress helped me back on my feet and made sure I was
safe and well taken
care off. When I got back on my feet Mistress learned to express myself
better and learned me a lot about my feelings. Feelings about myself and BDSM.
what seemed just days Mistress decided that I could become her student I
was so happy when she asked that to me. I learned and still learn so much
about myself and the lifestyle. After some time Mistress collared me with
her permanent collar. This collar I wear always when I am whit her on
even if we are online. When Mistress collared me I was given a r/l collar to wear.
is one of the most important people in my life. Even
before we ever
meet in person she knows all my thoughts and cares for me even though she
is 6 time zones away.
means much to me, but I am not sure I can describe it well. I love to be
submissive to Mistress. The feeling it gives me brings me great joy. I
love the fact that Mistress is always there in my mind guiding me even
when we are not in direct contact. It may seem strange to someone what I
am or what I do, but it feels natural to me and it gives me pleasure. I
hope this does explain a bit what BDSM means to me.
I last note I want to apologize about my English. My mother language is
not English so I hope I did not make to much mistakes.
Does it always work out? Of course not. There are some
situations which cannot be worked out not matter how much of a hold a
submissive may have on your heart or how well they may have been
integrated into your family. Situations can and will arise. There may
come a time when a submissive or slave violate a principle that you hold
dear and takes an action for which there is no excuse. There came a
point in time when I had no choice other than to release stephanie. S/he
is and will always be an important part of who I am today, and for that
reason I include her story in mine.
My name is Stephanie. I am Mistress Cocoa's sissymaid in training. I am
26 and have been interested in cross-dressing since a young child maybe 10
11. ever since I put on my first pair of heel i knew that i liked dressing
up. I have been dressing in secret for most of my life in one form or
another. found that i liked lingerie, satin and silk, and wearing women's
clothes. Now I have expanded my interests to include bondage and
latex, leather, and i love pvc - that wonderful smooth and shiny material.
Once i found the internet i discovered that i was not alone and that to my
surprise boys actually could become girls.
i also discovered the sissymaid.
fell in love with the outfits and knew that this was what i wanted, to
a sissymaid to a beautiful Mistress. i started searching for a
train me, for i did not know the first thing about becoming a sissymaid,
except for the fact that this was something that i wanted to do. I can't
describe the emotions i felt when i first contacted Mistress Cocoa.
excitement, fear, and disbelief that i am actually making a fantasy a
My life has not been the same since Mistress Cocoa took me
her wing and i would not have it any other way.
Not all bottoms are submissives or slaves... There are
two members of my family who are neither owned submissives or slaves,
nor do they chose to be. This is very advantageous for both sides. If
either side were limited to a set of rigid commitments, neither would be
pleased. In this set of cases, the submissives need a home base where
they are safe while they are still defining themselves, and there is
always room in the in for them.
Boys will be girls...
i'm siobhan, a male-born,
transgender (hope to be a born-again woman some day) submissive bottom
(have i run out of adjectives yet?); uncollared so far, but feeling very
close to Lady Cocoa (deep respectful curtsey). You'll sometimes see me at
the club in boy-mode, but not too often -- his name is sean, and
he's okay ... for a boy.
i grew up in a South Side Irish
(Chicago) working-class family, and The Old Man
relied a whole lot on leather-strap punishment scenes; and believe me,
they were anything but erotic. When i first learned that there really were
sadists and masochists out there *having*fun* with this sort of thing, i
couldn't believe anybody could be so crazy, sick, stupid, dumb and
perverted. i mean, i knew *i* was crazy, sick, stupid, dumb and perverted
for wanting to be a girl, but THIS!!!!!!! But then a few years ago a
very close friend came out in the Scene, and i had to admit i was drawn to
So i started hanging out at the Rose, and later here at Galleria
Domain where i've met lots of new friends, including some wonderful,
beautiful Dommes who've been nice enough to play with me, and have led me
out into a really happy part of sub-space (wheeee!).
This is a glimpse of some of the facets
of my family. If anyone had said to me when I started out that this is
how my "world" would be, I would have said they were on crack. But you
know, I would not trade them, or any of the wonderful experiences I
have had for any thing in the world -- even my dreams of how I
*thought* it would be.