Anyone who tells you that this is not a LOT of work...

either didn't understand the question or plans to have a good laugh at your expense later.

I had a glorious plan. I was going to get out meet people, find the right submissive, collar him, none of this would impact my every day life, and everyone was going to live happily ever after. That was the plan at least. At that point in time I had a domestic partner who had no interest in the lifestyle and was perfectly content to have me explore those "perverted" interests outside of our domestic partnership. I had learned after trying to "enlighten" other partners that this was probably a win-win situation. This was the first step in the poly family that eventually formed.

Someone suggested to me that I put an ad on the local Alternative newspaper. Not knowing any better, it seemed like a good idea. I placed an ad saying that I was looking for an intelligent, strong male submissive who was service oriented and looking for a long term commitment.  It would never have occurred to me that being an "exotic" Black Domme who was not a Professional Dominatrix (read: Domination without tributes) would illicit mailbox exploding responses. I was not prepared for the level of response. I was not prepared for the scope and variation in submissives and slaves. I had only a limited skill set for scene negotiation. And, most disturbing, I had not fully defined myself and my limits as a Dominant in my own mind. 50 phone interviews, 12 public meetings, 2 play sessions later -- the field had wound down to 1. S/he was a 6'2 cross-dressing sissymaid who enjoyed heavy play, severe CBT, and cuttings. None of which had been on my wish list. But there was something about stephanie which stole my heart.

My domestic partner quickly adjusted to my sissymaid. As a matter of fact after stephanie left my service my partner has been nagging me to find and train another one. Stephanie was usually at the house at least twice a week, helping with chores, gardening, decorating the house for holidays, etc. I was quite impressed with how well s/he fit into the household. At one point my daughter asked if she could borrow stephanie to clean her boyfriend's apartment. I could hear her boyfriend's skepticism over the phone initially, but then he agreed this might not be a bad idea. I remember asking my daughter is she really felt it was necessary to out her mother to her friends, and her response was something like, you haven't seen this apartment. She obviously missed the  point.

The only argument I had with my partner over my sissymaid was when we were having an open house. He didn't seem to understand why stephanie could not dress up and serve as a maid for the party. He had become so used to setphanie he had lost track of the vanilla world. He didn't feel it was fair to force stephanie out of his/her labor of love. I had to carefully explain to him that putting the guests in an uncomfortable position was not consensual for them. Also, many of the guests have not be exposed to Alternative Lifestyles and may not react well, which is a serious consideration with his family and co-workers invited. Grudgingly, he eventually agreed.

These situations and the reactions of my daughter and my partner were not part of the original plan. But this was only the first chapter in the lessons to come.

I once had this mis-guided belief that life of the Dominant was one where the submissives and slaves were doing all the work. What a wonderful fantasy. Lifestyle relationships are the hardest work I have every done. Not only do you have all of the work of any other relationship, but in BDSM relationship there is an even greater need for effective communication, attention to detail and safety, more responsibility for the care and well being of a submissive, and, then there is scene play. Suddenly I was being relied upon to be a structural engineer in designing a play space, a medic in case a scene goes bad, a therapist who can work through all the emotional baggage we all bring to the lifestyle, AND, an expert with dozens of implements, canes, floggers, and activities. Did I mention the part about lacing corsets and other eye candy? The good news is that my partner loves Home Depot as much as the kinky folks do and found my proclivities to be a good excuse to buy some of the tools he had been wanting. He also gave me my first aid kit as a dungeon warming present.

Again, none of this was in the original plan.

I remember the night I told my partner that I had decided to collar another submissive. I think he was expecting me to announce that it would be stephanie or siobhan because he looked at me in total disbelief when I told him it was lynn. Don't get me wrong, he liked lynn but thought the relationship was far too frustrating for me to consider a long term commitment. Lynn and I were engaged in a constant struggle of wills and frequent emotional clashes. It was my belief that lynn was searching for his place in the world. He had a strong need to belong and even stronger fear of abandonment. I decided to take a chance on my gut feeling that in the right environment, he would be a loyal and dutiful submissive. This is one of those rare cases when I followed my instincts and they proved correct.

Lynn has been a very cherished part of my life, and also the life of my family. My parents and my daughter consider him a part of our family -- and introduce him to others as such. He is so much a part of my everyday life that would appear that my "family" is often more sensitive to his needs than mine. (Yet another thing I didn't plan for.) Examples being my daughter being upset that she didn't get to spend any time with lynn during one of her visits, my partner wanting us to spend time with lynn when I am planning to spend time alone, or lynn being more sympathetic to my partner's point of view than mine. None of these are things I foresaw in the over all scheme of things.

My parents have never asked what my relationship is with lynn. They just accept that sometimes when I visit he is with me, sometimes my partner is with me, and sometimes they are both with me. And, each year at Christmas, there is a gift under the tree for him.

You may have met tommy at Ohio Leather Fest in 2002 (he was the taller of the 2 male submissives with me). What is unique about this arrangement is that tommy is married and has a family. From the point in time that I met tommy, I have had numerous conversations with he and his wife concerning the lifestyle. Joy is a very vanilla person who does not understand the motivation or seduction of power exchange, or sensation play. She is, however, scene friendly enough to ask a lot of questions and maintain an open dialog with me about the lifestyle as well a myriad of other things. We both understand that I do not represent a threat to her marriage, and have formed a rather unusual friendship over the years.

Many times mature Dominants are very hesitant to take on younger submissives. When I met rob he was 23. There is a special innocence about him. When I met him he was quite discouraged because none of the previous Mistresses he had hoped to grow close to had worked out. His age was working against in finding someone who would accept him and also the fact that he lives outside of the US. I must admit my first phone bill to the Netherlands was quite a shock!

I remember the incredible anticipation when we were awaiting his arrival at the airport. He was the first of my submissives that I introduced to my partner. We didn't now what to expect ... or how this would all work out.

Does it always work out? Of course not. There are some situations which cannot be worked out not matter how much of a hold a submissive may have on your heart or how well they may have been integrated into your family. Situations can and will arise. There may come a time when a submissive or slave violate a principle that you hold dear and takes an action for which there is no excuse. There came a point in time when I had no choice other than to release stephanie. S/he is and will always be an important part of who I am today, and for that reason I include her story in mine.

Not all bottoms are submissives or slaves... There are two members of my family who are neither owned submissives or slaves, nor do they chose to be. This is very advantageous for both sides. If either side were limited to a set of rigid commitments, neither would be pleased. In this set of cases, the submissives need a home base where they are safe while they are still defining themselves, and there is always room in the in for them.