The evolution began some 25 years ago when Lady Cocoa first entered a D/s relationship having no inkling of what this magical interaction was or where it would lead her. Her first experiences was under the guidance and training of sensual and erotic dominant, followed by training in Eastern philosophy and erotic rope bondage, and finally the study of  Gorean ways. Today she heads a poly family of close to a dozen, presents rope bondage demos with her alpha submissive, counsels couples in the lifestyle, and continues to hone her skills CBT, Bondage, sensation play, and the ever popular “mind f___!”.

My Story

I am Lady Cocoa. There are many ways we may have met and if we have yet to meet, I look forward to the pleasure.

I am originally form Chicago, growing up on the south side in Englewood in the early 60's in a typical middleclass African American family. At the end of that decade my parents moved to Michigan, dragging me along. The emphasis is on the word dragging. I love Chicago, always have. It is my home. The place I feel most grounded. I love the people, the art and architecture, the food and neighborhoods and ethnic diversity, and the sense of communities. Chicago's Alternative lifestyle communities are recognized not only as a political force, but also one of economic importance to the city. It is always fun to watch the look for surprise when a visitors enters the section of the city with the Rainbow street lights. 

Twenty-five years ago, I fell into my first D/s relationship. At that time, for me, it had no name. It was wonderful, a place where I felt I had found the missing piece of my sexuality and unspoken cravings. The relationship was based D/s and involved mostly power exchange and service. The physical aspects were erotic slavery and some restraint. The over all relationship was Poly as he was married and his wife was an active participant in the service arrangement. The relationship daily aspects to the relationship changed when he excepted employment in another state and I declined a 24/7 relationship in order to follow them to Indiana.  I never found anything like those 2 1/2 years again,  the power exchange stayed in my mind and in my heart.  Yet, at the same time I knew something had been amiss. I went into that relationship a submissive but definitely emerged from it as the one who held power.

In the years that followed those first experiences I continued to search for the type of connection I had felt with Dan. But, for some reason I never connected the excitement I felt from movies like "Behind the Green Door" and its kidnap and sexual dominance, or my fascination with "The Story of 'O'" as being out of the ordinary. I failed to recognize that perhaps I was seeking more than the "vanilla" world had to offer. I spent years trying to understand why my vanilla relationships lacked a component I was yearning for. And, my vanilla partners were left wondering about restraints, erotic slaves, and an odd array of sex toys that filled my fantasies. Even if I found someone who like the idea of experimenting with restraint, bondage, or sensation play, there was usually no connection on the D/s side of things.

Nearly 9 years ago I discovered the Internet. It was an occupational hazard. I have been an Information Technology professional for almost 20 years. It was just a matter of time until I gave up my dependency mainframes for these small boxes I now cannot live without. When I first arrived online it was with AOL and I resided in the Windy City Chat room. I chose the name Lady Cocoa because it seemed to fit my personality. Mostly as a joke because I tend to be prissy and I love to dress in formal wear to attend charity balls. (I think I am on every charity mailing list in the city!) The name has stayed with me. It is my nickname not only with the online community and the BDSM community but also with my family and friends. 

I quickly became frustrated with AOL and began to search for alternatives.  I built a virtual world which housed a BDSM community. Now, all of sudden, my name took on a completely different meaning to those who entered "My world". My Internet chat community was called Dark Caverns, and was world wide. Some say they do not understand how you can have a BDSM relationship that is not physical. My answer to that is that it is more D/s. I guide them, much as a mentor would. I also hope to share time with them in real life as possible. The web has invaluable resources for those getting started and hoping to understand the feelings and needs they have. If is a wonderful first step for many. The combination of online and real time that makes it workable for me.

It was through the resources I found on the Net that I found my way to place I am today. I found Mentors who helped nurture good traits and characteristics, Dominants and submissives who trained me &  instilled in me the importance of Safe, Sane, and Consensual play; and,  I found good friends who introduced me to Lifestyle Events, Education, Organizations and Clubs.

In 1999 I began to formalize the lifestyle relations I had been involved with. It seemed reasonable to me that these people who love and serve me deserve the same sort acknowledgement, ritual and symbolism afforded those in the vanilla portions of my life. Thus began the formation of my "family of choice" and the integration of the facets of my life. So far conflicts have been minimal. The first year I "collared" rob and tommy. In 2000 I collared lynn, who is my alpha (marked slave) and constant companion. Since that time I have not added to the committed relationships but have added a host of additional family members.

In an attempt to give back to a community that has done much to enrich my life and make the world a better place for my family and myself, we share our knowledge with other in the form of workshops, demos, tutorials, and peer counseling. We have accepted the invitation to present to groups such as:

bullet CLAW (Chicago Leather Alliance of Women)
bullet Michigan Rope
bullet Galleria Domain II (formerly Galleria Domain)


Often times people wonder how I manage with operating a business, caring for elderly parents, having a daughter in college, maintaining a relationship with my (vanilla) life partner,  3 real time subs/slaves,  friends and extended family. The answer is simple, even if it is not easy: Do what you love, love what you do, and keep those you love close. I may be exhausted, but for the first time in my life, I am happy.


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